Post Rosh HaShana musings

Another Rosh Hashana has come and gone. I must admit, that for me, this one was a lot of work, and has left me quite exhausted. Six meals to prepare, extra laundry, shopping, and cleaning leaves me little time to spiritually prepare for the chag. It's difficult to soul search while fighting for a spot to choose apples in the shuk. Or while peeling potatoes, or hanging out yet another load of laundry. It is for me anyway, and I'd be interested in learning if I'm alone in feeling this way. I should send out a questionnaire; what is the most effective approach to spiritual soul searching? 1. matching 245 different socks 2. cleaning the toilet or 3. preparing a honey cake.
Seriously, Rosh HaShana, and the weeks preceeding, are supposed to be a time of introspection, a time to take stock of your actions during the past year. All I was able to take stock of was how much chicken I had to cook [7 people times 5 meals (we were invited out for one!!) plus 11 guests times 1.5 pieces each - and do they eat white or dark?]. When was I suppose to think about the past year? When I measuring cups of water into the soup pot to see if it would hold enough for 2 meals?
I'm sure there are people who do it. People who sit down at regular times and learn about tshuva (repentance), who honestly think of sins committed, who try to understand in what way they can better themselves. I can only hope that keeping your temper a whole day while the said soup is boiling over, the cake is burning, and a mouse has just wandered into your kitchen counts as a good deed.
I DO have good intentions. Every year I tell myself that I will start early with the preparations, so when erev chag comes I WILL have time to take a leisurely shower, put on makeup, or, at least, wear matching clothes. Not that that is spiritually important. It's just something I would like to accomplish some time.
In shul, on the first day of the holiday, I try very hard to concentrate on the words of the prayers. "I will elevate my knowledge in righteousness, will ascribe righteousness to my G-d, and request righteousness in judgment. When in prayer I lift up my voice as the sound of the Shofar..." My mind skips about, flitting between prayers (And all believe that He is the sole King of the Universe, who exercises His mercy in every generation) to speculating on whether there are more babies in shul this year than last year, to wondering if, in fact, I am going to have enough chicken. I pull my mind back to the prayers. "Because of our sins we were exiled from our country, and distanced from our Land. We were unable to fulfill our obligations in Your Temple."
I hope we have enough hummus to last the three days.

Don't get me wrong. I love being with my family and friends over the holidays. I'm especially grateful that all the kids were home. How many more chagim will that happen? And I'm glad and grateful and acknowledge the blessing of being healthy and able to do the work. But sometimes, I find myself resenting the the dishes to be washed, needing a map to find various containers in the fridge (which are piled like a game of tetrus) and wishing we didn't have quite so many holidays. I try to push these thoughts out of my mind. Be grateful, I tell myself. For my family, for my community, for my ability to live in the Land of Israel, for being able to put food on the table. Maybe that's my tshuvah.

I'll end with something I did manage to learn. I don't know why I never knew this before.

On Rosh HaShana we greet one another with the words "Shana Tovah U'metuka" - Wishing you a good and sweet new year. Why do we wish both a good AND sweet year? Isn't it enough to wish just a good year?
The reason is that everything G-d does is for the good. Even when we can't see the good. When we can't fathom that this too is for the good. Because we aren't G-d. We can't see the intricate mosaic of the world, and of history, and we can't understand that sometimes bad things turn out to be good. And sometimes no is the correct answer to our prayers. We have to remember that EVERYTHING G-d does is for the good. So we wish one another a sweet year, so that the things that happen to us are not only good but OBVIOUSLY and immediately good - that they feel sweet.

Shana Tovah U'Metuka to all of Am Yisrael.